I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
