It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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