please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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