just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
