I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
