I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
