as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
