how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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