dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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