I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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