I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
