the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
