I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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