Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
