a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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