I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
