Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
