dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
