I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
