THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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