epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
