We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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