never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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