I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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