Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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