currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
