I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
