My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
