i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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