i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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