I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
i need some magic done to my vagina
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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