I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
