Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
