Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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