I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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