I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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