UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
