2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
