There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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