I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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