This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
