so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
