Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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