we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
handjob tips. give me some.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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