I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
