His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
