i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
