I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
