I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
