I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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